missed connections

Is there such a thing as a "missed connection"? That moment in life where you meet someone, and it seemed "meant to be" but wasn't? I mean I'm a believer in God's plan so bumping into Mr. Right at the grocery story but passing him to never see him again tells me...he wasn't Mr. Right. So why do such meetings occur? What is the point of me meeting someone you'd like to get to know better - only to never see them again, probably because God is keeping me from any future hurts. I'm so confused as to what I'm supposed to do at this point. Sometimes I want to meet a bunch of Mr. Wrongs in order to really meet Mr. Right. Dear Mr. Puffy Blue Jacket, You came as a surprise in the night, providing me with nothing but a pleasant conversation. Amidst the craziness of a bachelorette party and the downward turn of being inebriated, you were still a gentleman to walk me home...well back to the hotel and expecting nothing in return. At least I think so. Thank you. And thanks for stealing a quick kiss from me...I was shocked but not even mad about it. LA girl a la Madonna

skip the draft

I realized that I have a bunch of blogs that are just sitting as "drafts" in my dashboard. Why I never finished a handful of my thoughts beats me. Probably got busy at work...or started to re-think my words to put on "paper". When I think too much about what I'm about to type...that's when I get "pen shy". I start thinking, "Oh goodness I don't want anyone to overanalyze me," or "Will I offend anyone?" Stupid me forgets that I am free to speak my piece and not have to care what my audience thinks. Either I win you, or I lose you.

Speaking of winning, I'm in the middle of a game and I'm curious if I even want to win. I told myself that hard work only go to the deserving, and how the heck do I even know if this time it qualifies? To win, you must have a proper strategy and focus on the prize. I guess my problem is, I don't know the prize - so can I truly know if I want to win?

I can play this out on paper over and over again...but I know it'll end up as a draft...again.

So maybe this time around I'll say screw it and go big or go home.

All players are in - it's game time.

and so it begins

Lent is never meant to be easy, but it wasn't made to be impossible. This year I strive to find the simplicity of my life and peace in the silence. Today's gospel asks us if it's worth our soul to gain something of this world. My past few months have been filled with anxiety as I try to figure out the next steps of my life. I allowed myself to get sucked into the glory of a promotion on my time and getting frustrated at God for implementing His time. I began to lose focus on His call for me to serve Him first. Work comes secondary and His blessings will (and already have) shower a thousand fold. I do not want to gain the riches of this world at the risk of losing my soul. Rather I desire to gain the riches of heaven and allow the Lord to bless me here on earth as He deems appropriate :)

getting past the first chapter

Lord, give me the courage. I have to mentally psych myself up to read this book. I'm ready for the unraveling of the truth...yet afraid of learning the truth. I'm so excited to finally understand the mindset of those who are immersed in the "Planned Parenthood" culture. Ever since my own personal encounter with the "other" side, I have only wanted to learn how to LOVE them more. I was not ignited to hate or fight. I want to better understand. I want to know how to pray for them. I want to know the root of their hearts and minds. I want to be wise so then the Lord can use me to reach out to them in the "darkness." I use so many terms lightly not because I'm being "politically correct" or "non-judgemental" (though I do try my best to not judge). I use certain terms lightly because I want to remain steadfast in love. Tough love is one thing, but borderline judgemental is another. Lord, give me the Spirit, Wisdom, and Courage to push forward with this movement for LIFE with LOVE. Let us live in TRUTH.

withdrawals

As an addict releases themselves from a vice, they suffer great withdrawals as their body gets used to functioning without the said "drug".  Any form of rehabilitation requires great sacrifice and suffering.  In the middle of it all, the physical starts to wear down and the psychological starts to kick in.  The mind wonders, "Is this worth anything?"  "What will happen next?"  "Am I good to go, or how much longer must I go through this?"

Sometimes that's the hardest part of kicking a habit.  The desire to get what you want and do what you want is so much greater.  Everything you think about is all of a sudden in great detail.

But then in the middle of my cleanse, my release, my re-hab, the Lord said, "Let go of the "old" to receive the "new".  Let go of the "good" so you may experience the "better".  Take a risk for God and He will bless you."

I'm still trying to digest what this means.  I need to know that whatever is going on in my heart and mind coincides with God's.  I don't want to make drastic changes in my life nor do I want to dismiss what could be a golden nugget of wisdom and the greatest change made in my life.

Please keep me in your prayers as I keep you in mine.

exit signs

Every building has an exit door.  Every building has an emergency exit too.  When things get really rough, God seems to always show me the way to the emergency exit right when I need it.  However, He always points me to the exit when I feel lost and can't seem to find it.  I get sucked in by the crowd.  I get distracted by other signs.  I want to go out through the entrance.  I'm just a mess sometimes, but then the moment comes when my prayers of "Lord, where do I go?" are heard and the bright sign that says "exit" leads me home.

But then sometimes I wonder...did I really want to leave?  Was I meant to spend more time in the crowd, mess, and chaos?  Well even when I leave, on my own will, God leads me back.  He sometimes leads me back to the mess because I haven't learned my lesson yet, but sometimes He leads me out in the clear because it's finally time.  Sometimes it's in my pride and stubborn attitude that I go back.

Now it's just a matter of discerning where I'm supposed to go now.  He led me out because He loves me and answers prayers, but is it what His will is?  I mean I am so confused - I don't know what I'm praying for.  God knows though, so I'm not sure if He's made right what I'm making so complicated.  I know in my heart I want to stay where I am.  I know it hurts, but I want to be near what and who I love.  But maybe God doesn't want me to hurt anymore and He's saying "Hello...you've been looking for an out - here you go!"  To stay or to go.  Am I going to wait for another emergency exit, or can I take the safe route?  I heard from a friend, "You can listen to your heart, but sometimes the heart is wrong!  Listen to the Sacred Heart."

Exit signs are just entrance signs to a new world.

doubt

What is doubt?  The lack of faith?  It's funny how that five letter word can truly make an impact on a person's life.  I have been told to not doubt in my God.  If God is love then that means I should not doubt love.  If we're really in love with the people we say we are, then why do we still doubt?  No matter how charming, how caring, how wonderful the person is, there is still a small voice in the back of our heads that say "be careful".  Why?  How did that doubt get there?  How do you get rid of it?

Unfortunately, not everyone in this world believes in unconditional love.  Not everyone believes in monogamy, faithfulness, or loyalty.  There are so many instances where people take advantage of love and turn it to lust.  Because so many people are doing it, we fail to see true love when it's right in front of you.  Because so many people take advantage of that true love, it's lost meaning on others.  But what happens when you find yourself in love with someone in the purest way?  How do you know they love you back?  Actions?  Kind words?  A healing of the soul?  Then why do I still doubt love in its purest form?  Why do I still doubt that God has it out for me...that He's punishing me for my sins?

My God is a faithful God.  His love is unconditional and everlasting.  He is so deeply in love with me, it's overwhelming.  Yet, I find myself too blind to see it.  I find myself still complaining, still worrying.  He's already taking care of me, yet I have this need to control things myself.  I've finally found what I'm looking for, someone to look out for me - yet I won't let Him.

Even in this world, I have people who love me and take care of me...but I find myself wondering if it's what I think it is.  I find my own insecurities pour out and wonder, "Is this for real?"  I want to change that.  I want to trust love.  I want to embrace it.  I want to let it in.

I want to love LOVE.