dream sequence: sweats are sexy

So I always tell myself I need to blog about my dreams.  I'd write them down, but let's be real - it's a bit easier and faster to do this before I start at my work emails.  If I wait til I get home later that night, most of the deets would have been forgotten.

Anyway, last night I had a dream about a guy that made me smile.  He was a tall, Filipino (I think), dorky dude.  He was cute.  He had charisma.  Anyway, we were all out for the night and just hanging with friends.  I think we were at a lounge having drinks.  At one point we were sitting next to each other and I had my left forearm on his leg with my hand on his knee.  I left to get something, came back, and subconsciously ended up putting my hand on top of his hand (which was on his leg).  We weren't a couple or anything and I felt like we were about to hold hands, but then I felt this like "oh no I didn't mean to make a move....yet I wanted to make a move...." struggle going on in my mind.  Anyway it was semi-awkward, so I ended up moving my hand and grabbing something on the table (my drink perhaps?).  There was definitely a moment though - a spark.  Later that night, he asked me if I wanted to leave.  The ask was totally not a move, just a friendly thing, so I said sure.  I think we ended up going back to my place because I changed into sweats to get comfortable.  We were just going to watch TV or something.  Super casual, no weird intentions.  But as I was in the bathroom fixing my hair in the mirror, he walked in and said "you look hot in sweats."  Ok THAT was a move.  It was cute, I giggled.  He hugged me from behind.  I played with his hair which was all of a sudden randomly sweaty (ummm yeah kinda gross, I know) but I guess that's what happens when he gets nervous.  He got shy about me touching his hair, but I thought "eh - I can deal with this" and just smiled.

Anyway, it was all cute and that was that.  Oh, dreams, thanks for making me not stress about work last night!

40

"It’s been said that it takes 40 days to change a bad habit."

40 days in the dessert.

40 day fast for Lent.

40 has a sense of completion in my Spiritual world. Here comes a couple who is about to take the amount of days to change a habit and see if they fall in love. Friends first. Good friends, I might add. I read day 1 and I wanted to skip immediately to day 40. I just want to know if they made it or not...

But just as their journey was forty days long, I guess I'll read along - one entry per day - and document how I feel about their situation.

Great experiment...makes me curious.

Maybe at the end of it all, I'll share about everything I feel about friends dating and making something more out of it.

For now, I will just share my excitement for these two friends to jump and cross the line. John Legend sang about it. Justin and Ashton did movies about it. There's always a conclusion in my mind about friends becoming...well more than friends.

To know more about the project, see the main link: http://fortydaysofdating.com/

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Day 1 reflection: Jessica and Tim start off by sending each other something cute to kick off the 40 day project. Both are feeling excited. Right now, I'm Team J. I'm all about looking for the right guy to settle with and partner up with for the rest of my life. Tim seems to be that guy that we're warned to watch out for: non-committal, same cycle/pattern of dating, habitual dater. Why watch out for this type? Because they quit before they can even see if anything real will happen. Well, he's stuck for 40 days so let's see if he overcomes his pride and falls in love, or if he resents her throughout the process.

Do whatever He tells you

Last year, I thought I was attending my very last SFC conference.  It’s not because I was going to get married, but because I felt that the weekend was sO good, I wanted to end my conference experience with that memory.  Quit while you’re on top, right?

Recently, I was in Chicago grieving over the loss of my cousin when my Viber kept ringing “Are you going to conference?  You need to register by this weekend.”  I really didn’t want to think about or deal with it, but I knew the ACC’s were doing their job, so I had to figure out how to respond.  I started to get tally of who in my Unit would be going because I would go to support them.  I had no intention of going for myself.  However, given that part of the theme was “Obey”, I’ll admit that a little bit of guilt crept in and forced my hand at registering anyway.  Do whatever He tells you. “I’m going” is how I replied to the group…but with much apathy.

Conference season is usually the most exciting time for me: preparing for all the competitions, learning the new songs, and getting excited for reunions with friends from other areas.  Maybe it was due to everything else that was going on at the moment, but all this excitement was lost this year.   Not until the Friday before conference was when I started to become a bit excited.  It started with the fact that I couldn’t drive my car to Vegas anymore because my tires were close to bald.  I had to get them changed before leaving, but doing so would cost me more than I had.  (I got excited because of that?? Just wait!)  I tried to play different scenarios in my head on how my group would get to conference, but at the end I thought it would just be best for me not to go anymore and help find a ride for the other passengers.  I went to an SFC Teaching that night with a heavy, heavy heart.  I knew God provided, but….I had a BUT.  BUT, how was this going to happen??  I approached my ACC’s in hopes for a solution, only to find out they were having car troubles as well (even worse than mine).  However, I saw something in their eyes that was lacking in mine – trust in the Lord.  I saw hope for provision.  I only carried doubt in mine.  That point forward, I knew God had something amazing planned for conference (duh).  So I took this tiny cross and bore it.  By the end of that night, all of us figured out how we would get to Vegas and managed to make it a great and happy evening.  The rest of the week consisted of getting sick and dealing with aches and pains, but suffering without offering is a waste.  God allowed this to happen to me so I could lift it up and pray for each and every person attending the conference.  I prayed that God’s message would rein in their hearts, and they would experience the same LOVE of God that I was experiencing as well (if not more).  Were all the headaches (physical and metaphorical) worth it?  YES.

OBEY.  WITNESS.  BE LOVED.

in the bridegroom's presence

I am getting annoyed at myself for starting these blogs and not finishing them. This was dated 3/11/11 - and I can't tell you what I was even thinking, since it was almost two years ago!Let's see. If I played a game with myself and blogged given any random title, what would I say about this?In the bridegroom's presence, we rejoice and not suffer. There is no sacrifice to be had because we are in a moment of celebration.Ash Wednesday approaches us next week and as Catholics, we are asked to pray, fast, and give alms. What to fast this year? Different ideas have come to mind, but what would be a true sacrifice that would keep me from doing anything for myself but rather for the good of others and the world? Maybe it'll be good for me too because my relationship with Christ will grow. Many people say, "It's not what you give up but the Spirit of the heart and the intention behind it." So if giving up social media or hanging out with my friends will bring me closer to God, maybe I'll consider that. Anyway, I have a week left to pray about what He really is calling me to do. I wish it were as simple as when I was in grade school. "I'm giving up chocolate!". Well we'll see. I love Lent, though sometimes I do dread it. It's such a "dark" time when Jesus was being put to trial, ready to be crucified and mocked. However it is an awesome time in the faith, when His resurrection brings Light and Hope to the world for ages to come. This is the time that I really really remember how much Jesus loves me and that He died like a thief thousands of years ago, just so then someone like me - a person who fails in loving him 100% daily, can be forgiven over and over again.Then on that day, when we are in the presence of the bridegroom, we can all rejoice...and eat chocolate!

"Ignorance of scripture is ignorance of Christ."

I heard this on September 17, 2010 and have been meaning to blog about it ever since. Two years later, I gained the courage to finally put it down on paper. As a Catholic, our faith and foundation is based on Christ's teachings in scripture. It is a pillar of truth. However, it is our (well at least my) Achilles Heel. Bible reading is my weak spot and quoting scripture is definitely not my strongest quality. That's okay though. I've come to a point in my faith where I am now comfortable to read it as much as possible on a daily basis and at least talk about it. I can at least speak to many of the teachings that are relevant to conversations I have with others. If they wanna see it themselves, I know I can just say, "Ok, hold on. I'll find it for you." It's better than me going "uhhmmm....yeah" then walk away. YaknowwudImean?? So that said, ignorance of scripture truly is ignorance of Christ. If we don't base our lives on the word of God, then we're basically ignoring His love and trying to make it on our own. I'm grateful for a friendship I was recently a part of. He really challenged me to read the bible daily, starting with Psalms. I enjoyed praising God in this way and really finding myself relate to those of the past. Now I'm slowly digging into the Gospels. Day by day, I continue to challenge myself to read scripture and reflect on it as it pertains to my daily life. Soon not only will these words in a book be known to others through my words, but I pray it will be reflected in my daily actions.

wasn't the world supposed to end?

I remember when they said that the world was going to end on 12.21.12, I planned for a HUGE 31st birthday party with a priest available for confession at the end. So much for the end of the world, and so much for the huge party. Neither happened but I'm actually happy about it. Maybe it's because I wanted to live my 29th birthday to it's fullest as my last in my 20's kind of thing. And then maybe it's cuz i'm now 31 and tired come 11pm. Nah, who am I kidding - if I live to be 100, I'm still pretty young :) Well just wanted to blog that we're still alive and the world didn't end on 12.21.12.

where earth and heaven meet

Written two days after Grandma passed away. Needed time to process my thoughts...

December 6, 2005

Today is grandma and grandpa’s 52nd wedding anniversary. Beautiful.

So I take a trip down memory lane seeing grandma all bundled up at Thanksgiving dinner with her red sweater. Thinking that she’s finally gaining weight, I hoped her new leg would help her walk batter. I remember her hugging me. Pulling me close to her. It would have been one of her last physical hugs for me. We laughed all night at the dinner table about how grandpa and her dated. We had a sharing about what we’re thankful for and she said, “Don’t pray too long, God will get sleepy.” That’s her blunt humor. She thanked grandpa for growing in the Philippines but rooted in America or else we all wouldn’t be here. Then after we left, she got sick and went to the emergency room.

I didn’t visit her until Sunday afternoon. I was there for twenty minutes. We received communion together that day. We shared the body of Christ because she said it was too large for her to swallow one whole host that time. She asked me if I had gone to mass, where, and what time. She asked me this three times. Her confusion worried me, but this wasn’t the first time this happened. I thought she was either overreacting, being over dramatic or heavily medicated. I remember being sad but being so used to it that I figured she’d be out soon enough. She asked to kiss me. “Come here so I can kiss you.” My last…

I heard that on Monday she was just looking at people not really responding.

I visited her on Tuesday where her eyes were closed and she was trapped in her body. I’d talk to her and she’d turn her head to me, but she wouldn’t open her eyes let alone her mouth.

Wednesday was worse. No one knew why she was the way she was. No stroke. Negative CAT scan and MRI. No one knew what was wrong.

Thursday just another visit. A possible bacteria infection. She was no longer able to turn her head. She squeaked as if whining because she didn’t want to be there. She tried to open her eyes. She was just too weak. She could no longer breathe well on her own, so it was agreed to put her on a ventilator. Later we find out that she didn’t want to be on it. The family decided to take her off of it on Sunday, so everyone came on Saturday to hang out with her and say good bye. We were all there, and it felt good. I feel so safe with my family. I feel complete. A piece of heaven was with me.

On Sunday, at mass, I felt so blessed to be a part of the Catholic Church. I felt as though I belonged. A part of the mystical body of Christ. I love it! Being the second week of Christmas/Advent, the gospel and theme was “prepare the way”. I believed that grandma lived out these words. Her whole life was lived for Christ. She prepared herself for her entering heaven all her life. I truly believe that.

We go to mass then went to Good Sam. No improvements.

We scheduled to remove her from the machines at 3PM.

We got upstairs and prayed. The next thing I know, the nurse told my dad that her heartbeat was weakening so to call everyone upstairs. She’d give us 15 minutes and then take grandma off the machines.

Because of the guilt that comes with taking grandma off the machine, everyone prayed for God’s will to be done, and we wouldn't have to.

And it was.

At 240P, grandma’s heartbeat started weakening. Her breathing slowed down. I held her hand as we prayed the Divine Mercy and sang How Great Thou Art. It was the weirdest feeling. I was desperate for more of her at the last second. I wasn’t ready to let go. When grandma stopped breathing, my heart broke. I lost a part of it. She had entered Heaven. It was the weirdest feeling. So light, fuzzy, light headed. It was weird. My stomach felt weird. My heart felt weirder. It’s like I saw it, yet it felt liked I dreamt it. But I was so excited for her. She made it into heaven: a place where she could run and be at peace.

Everything felt weird after that. I won’t see her every weekend. She won’t call me on my birthday. It just feels weird that I’ll never see her on earth anymore.

But she gets to be with her parents, Itay, Raphael, Michael, and Bernadette. She gets to be with Uncle Roland. Now she can be with Jesus and Mother Mary. She can be with all her favorite saints, Mother Theresa, and Blessed John Paul II.

She’s so blessed.

Her prayers are so much stronger now. I told her to put in a good word for me with God.

So that’s it. And now it’s just weird. My last Christmas and birthday gift from grandma is a ticket to the Philippines. Lord, let it be Your will that I stay there for Christmas. Please, Lord!