Sunday, September 13, 2015

the dream

I met with multiple people at the new j.o.b. over the course of the week and one gal said, "I mean this is my dream job."  She said that, and it reminded me that someone asked me that too when I told them where I was going.  "Oh my gosh, that's the dream right?!  It's totally what you've been wanting to do."

Quick answer: Yes.

That is true, but why the apprehensive attitude?  Is it because I dreamed that the next big thing in my life would be something a bit greater than a new job?  But I understand that this isn't just a job.  It's a calling, it's a mission.  Is it because I realized how much I didn't want to leave Los Angeles?  But this mission calls for sacrifice, and that means letting go all I have for the greater good.

I feel all the feels.  I know logic vs heart vs faith etc etc etc.  At the end of it all, God wins and takes reign of my wants and needs.  I pray to slowly (because I'm human, I can't do it overnight) release all my desires to Him, so He can fill me up with the right things in life I'm to long for.

My heart desires to fulfill another mission.  My heart desires to be surrounded by the people I've left behind.  My heart desires to love beyond capacity, and surrender to God and live out the plan He has for me.  I guess at this time, I can't have everything that I want and I need to be okay with that.

Lord, if this is what you've handpicked me to do, then amen.  As I prayed today at mass, I know you'll take care of everything else I worry about.  Just continue to live out the YES I've already started.

So what is the dream?  The dream is to be in heaven and to bring everyone I know and love with me.  This job helps make that dream come true.  "Go live your dream" is written on the boat, and I pray I can accept that and live it out.

Monday, September 7, 2015

the road home

"Home is where the heart is." - as the saying goes.  My girlfriends asked me today, "Where will you say you're from when people ask?"

Funny question because for years I would always answer that with "I live in LA, but I'm from Chicago".  Now, do I say "I'm from LA but originally Chicago" or "I live in Cincinnati but I'm from LA"?  Do people care where I'm from "originally"?  Well let's see when the time comes.  All I know is that when I went out on Friday night, I told my brother to tell his friends that I came in from LA.  I wasn't ready to explain the whole Ohio bit yet (sorry, Cincy friends).  I hope you understand that this will take some time.

I was born and raised in Naperville (Chicago suburb) but I say I grew up in Los Angeles.  This is the city that molded me and helped me "mature".  Now to some people, that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good thing, especially if you think I've gotten too "kale life" or "Miss Hollywood".  However you analyze it doesn't really matter to me.  All I know is that I really learned about myself and grew SoCal.

So today, I wrapped up my Labor Day weekend in Chicago.  I normally pack up and get dropped off at Midway for my flight back to LA, but this time I packed my trunk and drove off to Ohio.  It was a strange feeling knowing that I wasn't going back to California.  It really hasn't hit me yet that I won't be seeing some of my friends for a while.  The past few weeks have just felt like I was on vacation and not really in a transition into a new life.

I don't have a lesson to be learned (yet) with all of this.  I'm just taking it in and going about my day one step at a time.  I also just wanted to share my feelings because I know people keep asking how I'm adjusting.  The quick answer is that I don't feel like I've moved yet, so there really hasn't been much to adjust to.

It takes a lot for me to call a place "home".  Maybe I'll accept Cincinnati as that sooner than I did LA.  It wasn't until recently that I admitted LA was home.  My pride still referred to Chicago/Naperville as my home, but I recently realized my heart has moved to another city.  Not completely, but it split apart and now lies in Los Angeles as well.  I'm sure my heart will love Ohio eventually, but for now it's still on vacation mode.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

a letter to my kite

I've had this desire to fly a kite for a long time.  This led me to buying one, but for whatever reason I kept it hidden in my closet for years.  I knew it was there, and I kept telling myself to go to the park to fly it, but I just never put it in my car.  Numerous times I found myself at the park or beach saying, "Ugh, I wish I brought my kite!"  I don't know what I was waiting for...I guess the right moment.

Well it wasn't until I cleaned out my apartment and found the kite, that I remembered to bring it to my very last beach day for the summer (as a SoCal gal).  I was so hyped up to fly it, assembled it, and started to run to let it fly in the wind.  Run run run....tired.  No kite flying in the air.  What the heck?!!?  What was I doing wrong?

Well I gave up and figured I got a dud.  I mean, it's not hard to fly a kite - so what was my deal?  I just blamed it on the kite.

For whatever reason, a friend of mine was looking at it randomly and then I felt a tug on the string I was holding.  It started to fly!!!  I asked what he did and he replied, "It was on backwards."  So basically I did it wrong.  I had every intention of doing it the right way, but I guess in my excitement I didn't pay close enough attention and thought I assembled it correctly.  I didn't realize I'm the one that messed it up (not the kite I blamed, ha!) but thank goodness someone made it right.  Once that was done, I was flying it and a happy kid.

So dear kite,

I'm sorry I waited until the end to fly you.  I'm sorry I just cherished you from within my closet - where your potential was just stored.  You were too pretty for me to I kept forgetting you were there.  I can't blame you that you didn't want to fly for me once I was actually ready to.  But Someone corrects our wrongs, and once things were fixed, we had a great time.  A time so grand, it will be a memory I will look back to when I want to feel that giddiness again.  It's an innocent joy that has a deep meaning for me because flying kites is something I really love to do.  I just don't do it enough...not sure why.  I guess that makes our time together, no matter how short, that much more special.  People kept wanting to fly you, so I shared.  They knew it belonged to me and made sure to not let go of it and lose it in the wind.  I would always get you back in one piece, no matter how windblown.

Thank you, kite.  I have you here with me so it's just a matter of the right time of finding a place for us again.