Friday, September 3, 2010


As an addict releases themselves from a vice, they suffer great withdrawals as their body gets used to functioning without the said "drug".  Any form of rehabilitation requires great sacrifice and suffering.  In the middle of it all, the physical starts to wear down and the psychological starts to kick in.  The mind wonders, "Is this worth anything?"  "What will happen next?"  "Am I good to go, or how much longer must I go through this?"

Sometimes that's the hardest part of kicking a habit.  The desire to get what you want and do what you want is so much greater.  Everything you think about is all of a sudden in great detail.

But then in the middle of my cleanse, my release, my re-hab, the Lord said, "Let go of the "old" to receive the "new".  Let go of the "good" so you may experience the "better".  Take a risk for God and He will bless you."

I'm still trying to digest what this means.  I need to know that whatever is going on in my heart and mind coincides with God's.  I don't want to make drastic changes in my life nor do I want to dismiss what could be a golden nugget of wisdom and the greatest change made in my life.

Please keep me in your prayers as I keep you in mine.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

exit signs

Every building has an exit door.  Every building has an emergency exit too.  When things get really rough, God seems to always show me the way to the emergency exit right when I need it.  However, He always points me to the exit when I feel lost and can't seem to find it.  I get sucked in by the crowd.  I get distracted by other signs.  I want to go out through the entrance.  I'm just a mess sometimes, but then the moment comes when my prayers of "Lord, where do I go?" are heard and the bright sign that says "exit" leads me home.

But then sometimes I wonder...did I really want to leave?  Was I meant to spend more time in the crowd, mess, and chaos?  Well even when I leave, on my own will, God leads me back.  He sometimes leads me back to the mess because I haven't learned my lesson yet, but sometimes He leads me out in the clear because it's finally time.  Sometimes it's in my pride and stubborn attitude that I go back.

Now it's just a matter of discerning where I'm supposed to go now.  He led me out because He loves me and answers prayers, but is it what His will is?  I mean I am so confused - I don't know what I'm praying for.  God knows though, so I'm not sure if He's made right what I'm making so complicated.  I know in my heart I want to stay where I am.  I know it hurts, but I want to be near what and who I love.  But maybe God doesn't want me to hurt anymore and He's saying "'ve been looking for an out - here you go!"  To stay or to go.  Am I going to wait for another emergency exit, or can I take the safe route?  I heard from a friend, "You can listen to your heart, but sometimes the heart is wrong!  Listen to the Sacred Heart."

Exit signs are just entrance signs to a new world.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


What is doubt?  The lack of faith?  It's funny how that five letter word can truly make an impact on a person's life.  I have been told to not doubt in my God.  If God is love then that means I should not doubt love.  If we're really in love with the people we say we are, then why do we still doubt?  No matter how charming, how caring, how wonderful the person is, there is still a small voice in the back of our heads that say "be careful".  Why?  How did that doubt get there?  How do you get rid of it?

Unfortunately, not everyone in this world believes in unconditional love.  Not everyone believes in monogamy, faithfulness, or loyalty.  There are so many instances where people take advantage of love and turn it to lust.  Because so many people are doing it, we fail to see true love when it's right in front of you.  Because so many people take advantage of that true love, it's lost meaning on others.  But what happens when you find yourself in love with someone in the purest way?  How do you know they love you back?  Actions?  Kind words?  A healing of the soul?  Then why do I still doubt love in its purest form?  Why do I still doubt that God has it out for me...that He's punishing me for my sins?

My God is a faithful God.  His love is unconditional and everlasting.  He is so deeply in love with me, it's overwhelming.  Yet, I find myself too blind to see it.  I find myself still complaining, still worrying.  He's already taking care of me, yet I have this need to control things myself.  I've finally found what I'm looking for, someone to look out for me - yet I won't let Him.

Even in this world, I have people who love me and take care of me...but I find myself wondering if it's what I think it is.  I find my own insecurities pour out and wonder, "Is this for real?"  I want to change that.  I want to trust love.  I want to embrace it.  I want to let it in.

I want to love LOVE.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Are we all needy? Is "independent woman" code word for "pls don't hurt me"?

Sunday, May 16, 2010

spiraling downward

Dear Miss,

Who do you think  you are, and what are you doing to yourself?  You know better.  You've known better.  You need to rise above your misery and fill your black hole with the right kind of filling.  Not food, not friends, not drinks, not a fake relationship.  None of those will complete you.  None of those will get you out of your rut that you've been ignoring for so long.  Fill it with Jesus, need I remind you?  Fill it with the true love of your life.  Fill it with what you know will FOR SURE make you feel better.  You know this, why do I have to remind you?  You know how in love you were with Him but you turned your back when you thought He turned His.  He didn't.  He just needs you to be in a life "out of order" so He can put it in order.  No, you won't get promoted tomorrow.  No, you won't win the lotto tonight.  No, he won't come running to you wanting to be yours.  Even if all of this happened overnight, you wouldn't feel complete.  It's only in Him, you loser.  You know this so freakin' get yourself out of your rut and pull it together.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself because no one else is.  You're stronger than that.  You're smarter.  You're wiser.  You're beautiful.  You don't need to hear it from anyone because He whispers it in your ears every day and every night.  Stop filtering it out.  No one can help you but YOU so do the damn thing already.  You know what to do.

your gut

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

big bang

 "Jumping at several small opportunities may get us there more quickly than waiting for one big one to come along" ~Hugh Allen

I've been waiting for so long for the "big thing".  I have only recently realized that what I should do is keep doing the "small things" with great excellence.  I'll make a greater impact every little step of the way rather than just being mediocre and waiting to prove myself for the big thing.  Be the best worker.  Be the best friend.  Be the best daughter.  All of this will prepare me for the bigger thing - to be the best boss, the best girlfriend, the best mother.  All the little things in life matter and I have failed to see that!  I must appreciate all the little things God has given me.  If I take notice to the scent of the smallest flower, one day my eyes will be opened to the aroma of a beautiful garden.  The little things around us matter because it adds up to the greater picture we call life.  This is why we should laugh as if it's the funniest thing in the world, dance as if no one is watching, and love until it hurts so much that there's nothing left but love.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

broken souls

"Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies." ~Aristotle

All the cliches are true.  "Misery loves company" or "Two heads are better than one".  Point being is that we weren't meant to be alone on this earth.  I'm not saying there's a person for every single person to fall in love and marry.  I mean that no one should be pushed off in a corner thinking they have no one.  There is always someone, but it's a matter of finding who that "someone" is.  Sometimes it's an estranged family member, sometimes it's a best friend.  Regardless, there's someone.  Even when you think you're alone, in a world like we live in today, there's someone out there on the other side of the planet feeling the same thing you feel.  They might be blogging about it too...or reading for someone to blog out how they feel.  There's the connection.

Broken souls tend to find each other and make each other whole.  In the Christian world, Christ mends the brokeness and makes it whole in Him.  I like that concept.  It's almost like the Elmer's glue is good, but the the super glue is golden.  I want that super glue to fix what has been broken, and once you know it's locked and in place by Him, then nothing can take it apart.  Nothing but the lie of the devil to scrape off the glue, at least.  But the best part is that the super glue is never ending.  There's an abundance of that crazy sticky stuff that will just keep coming out of nowhere and mending the broken pieces together.  You can't fool the glue.

I don't know where this blog is heading, but friend from the other side of Earth, I hope you are reading this and finding a connection with me.  I hope you understand me.  Now we are friends, so I thank you.

I would like to thank Aristotle for saying something that I've cherished since I was in grade school - connected souls are really the foundation of friendship.  Time and time again, good friends have been the physical proof of this grand idea.

Broken souls find a way to each other to help each other.  Let the glue make it solid and may your lives be happy.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

true colors

A dollar is a dollar.  A rose is a rose.  I am me.  Flip me inside out, color my hair orange (oh wait, I think I did that in '99), or look at me upside down, and you will see the same person in all ways.  I'm not one to act a "certain" way depending on who's around.  My motto is, "I try my best (that's my caveat) to act as if I were around my grandma Gene."  This is more realistic to me than "God is watching from above" (though I do believe that to be true).  If she were to see what I was wearing, how I danced, or how much I drank, would she be happy?  Not always.  But maybe sometimes she'd see that I could be trusted.  This means that I'm not perfect, and I am who I am.  There's no need for pretensions.  There's no need for me to hide behind a mask.  People say I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and that's probably true most of the time.  That said, how I say I feel is most likely how I really feel.  Is that an absurd concept?

I found that there have been times when people think I should feel one way or another about certain situations, and when I don't, they think I'm hiding my real feelings.  Actually, how I react may not be how you react - but that doesn't mean that what I feel isn't real.  I don't react the same way as you do sometimes.  I'm sorry to break it to you.  I'm not feeling how you want me to feel because in all honesty I don't really care most of the time.  I care about your feelings if it's in regards to you or a personal situation you are in, but when it comes to what you feel about me - I only partially care.  I say partially because I'm human and I'm a girl.  Of course I'm going to care a little bit about what you think or say.  Does it stay on my shoulder?  Sometimes a little longer than I wish, but I've learned in life that in the words of Jay-Z, "Brush your shoulders off."  So when I don't care, I really don't care.

Now remember, when I say "I", I'm speaking in a "you, understood" manner.  I don't know who "I" is.

Anyway, you know me.  You knew me the moment we met.  If you think you don't know me anymore,'s true what they don't know.  You've seen my true colors.  I will let it shine whether you like it or not.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

happiness in the uncertain

True happiness is found in Christ alone.  Our love and trust in Christ is based on faith.  Faith is never certain, rather it is in the trust of the beholder.

Therefore, true happiness is found in uncertainty.  Well, this is my own conclusion.

There are things that don't make sense.  You are where you are for a reason, but you wonder, "When am I gonna get out of here?"  Why we are where we are is only known to God.  I ask Him to make straight my path, but that doesn't mean the path will be easy to travel.  Aside from the darkness, He gives me something heavy to carry.  Something about a cross, He said. I am, walking the path He has placed before me and carrying this wooden beam.  I wonder where He will take me.  I wonder when I'll need to cross a ditch and the cross will help me get to the other side.  I wonder when this happiness He has for me will come.  Did I pass it and not realize it?  Was it in the darkness or distraction from my GPS that I missed a turn?

He says he loves me.  He says that I should let my guard down and stop assuming the worst.  I don't know anymore.

He says I do good work.  He says that I will only get more experience with this move.  I don't know anymore.

There are so many things I do not know.  So much uncertainty in my life right now.  But with faith, I must believe Christ is in all things.  I must believe that He has this planned out and I'm just being impatient.  I must believe that He has happiness waiting for me. 

I must believe.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Social Sin Network

During this Lenten season, I have found myself reflecting about mortal sins I never realized I've committed and the affect it has.  I learned that sin has an affect in five ways:

1) Theological - we separate ourselves from God
2) Personal - it affects who we are physically, emotionally, mentally
3) Social - our sins hurt others, we affect others
4) Ecclesial - our sins affect the Church, essentially the Body of Christ.  Our sins weaken the Church
5) Cosmic - affects of our sins can affect our surrounding environment

"The devil made me do it" is the Adam and Eve excuse that we can't fall back on.  We made ourselves do it.  The devil can play tricks on us and feed us lies, but in the end, he'll never make us do something we don't want to do.  He's a tempter, but we are the actor.  Sin is the moment we "miss the mark" as Christopher West explains. It's the moment we chose to separate ourselves from God to please ourselves rather than Him.

I'm sorry for the sins I have committed against you, brothers and sisters.  I say this at mass daily - but I just wanted to put it in writing.

Happy Lent!

Friday, February 12, 2010

i've moved!

I'm not talking just cyber casa, but I've moved to downtown LA.  Nearly two years later, I was encouraged, inspired, and motivated to "make it on my own."  God truly hears the call of the silent because never would I have thought this would have happened so quickly.  I mean, when things are going well, why leave the comfort of the home I've had for as long as I've been here?  It has been comfortable and a great blessing, but the pages have turned and it's time to unpack the boxes I've had stored for the last two years!!  New journey, new chapter...

Once again, the thought was sparked by a simple question from my mom..."So when are you getting your own place?"  It was as simple as when she asked, "So when are you moving to LA?"  Once those questions came into mind - the Lord just made it all work out so quickly.  I say this again and again, but there are times in my life where it happens so quickly because I know He's making it happen - no room for [Maricris] error.  2010 has kicked off to a great start.  I'm about finished moving's a small studio, but it's mine to call home :)  I'm excited for the other packed up boxes God has ready for me to open up....but for now, I'll slow it down and savor every minute before life passes too quickly.