put it on repeat

The past few days, I've been going through old blogs, old emails, and even older journals.  I miss the days of the day to day capture of my life.  I really took a lot of time and Xanga'd a lot - but that was before Facebook made it easy to just update what you were thinking and doing at that moment.  Give it to me in one sentence, and I'll assume I understand the rest of your day.  Quick and easy - but no depth.  However, going through my journals - even in my own private books - I was always very vague.  I still am very vague.  I wonder if it's because I'm afraid to re-read what I've actually gone through, or maybe I'm embarrassed to have someone read it some day and figure out what REALLY went through my mind.  Possibly, I keep it vague so I can apply life lessons to everything in life even later on.  That keeps the lessons open ended and relatable for many situations in life.  Who knows.

Well, let's get specific for once.  Ever since 2009 I've been praying about discipline, moving, and being patient to be open for "him".  Hmmm...that makes me think that I haven't done anything in the past five years, but at the same time I realized how much my life has changed yet those lessons are still basic.  Foundation for the future.  I read "Maricris, be the best version of yourself and you will cross paths with the right one at the exact moment you need to."  This was five years ago and I've come and gone through many people down that path.  Makes me wonder, what I was preparing for.

Maybe I've met "him"...maybe I haven't.  Either way, as I read in my entries - God's timing is perfect and I have to bank on that.  My Multiply blogs were more fruitful than my journals.  I don't even know if I had an audience, but I miss writing.  I was more creative in thought, I was wittier in tongue.  The pen seemed to strike easily, but now my complicated thought process has slowed down those juices.  I clogged up my brain with too many caution signs that I'm afraid to write fully.

I need to find that honesty in myself again.  I need to stop acting like I'm always okay and that I'm learning from my past experiences.  Just because I'm not okay doesn't mean I haven't learned the lesson before.  It just means I am human, and the natural reaction is to feel whatever it is I feel.

I can be "mature" and handle things well, but that doesn't mean I have to be super happy about it.  I can be left confused even if I understand.  Bummed even if I'm happy at His greater plan.  Excited even if my heart is too shy to escape the tin box it's been cooped up in all these years.

Well we'll see how these feelings and emotions play out, but I do need to process them properly.  Figure out what you really feel in life and that is the first step for honesty.  That is how you grow to be the best version of yourself.  You need to know and understand YOU before you start developing anything.  Like any programmer, you need to have set goals for a product so you know what you are developing.  Wait, am I describing a job of a developer?  Well they work hand in hand ha - so wear both hats because you can only develop you.

Five years from now, I will read this blog and something will still be the same.  Either I will still need discipline, I will still be discerning if I should leave LA, or I will still be grateful to know that all things come in God's perfect time.

Cheers to the next five years!

Targeted Body Sculpting

I'm always down to try a new workout.  From Jazzercise in the 80's, step aerobics back in the 90's...to Soul Cycle, Cardio Barre, and Bar Method - sign me up!  I have yet to redeem my Living Social deal for Piloxing...Pilotes + Boxing?  Oh, the possibilities to stay fit are endless!

I hopped back on the Bar Method wagon the other day, and the soreness still hasn't quit.  I tried swimming it out in order to use the muscles, but my gosh my body is tiiiiired.  I pray I can keep this up for the month because, gosh darnit, I paid a lot for classes.  Whenever someone asks me what it is, I describe it as slow death.  Ha - kidding.  It incorporates the solid stances of a dancer, utilizing a ballet barre and proper techniques to form and develop strong, lean muscles.  This really is a good workout to get toned.  There's obviously so much more to it, but I suggest just "googling" it so you can better understand.  The photo above is the WORST yet the BEST move.  I dread it to the point where I have to pray before class in order to not be so nervous.  Time slows down when you are getting into position.  Heels up higher, get lower - OYE.  Why is it that minutes when you're eating yummy food go by so quickly, but then the minutes when you are holding this position seem to be an extended version or halts to a complete stop?  Is that possible?!?!

Which brings me to my mystagogia for the day...

Bar Method targets parts of the body in each exercise.  There is a complete focus on one section before moving to the next.  At the end of the hour, the entire body has been fully worked, and by that evening you can definitely feel the effects.  I am so sore everywhere.  Did I mention that yet??

God does the same to us - He targets specific areas we really need to work on in life.  Simultaneously, He allows us to come to Him with the same method - "Lord, please help me with this area of my life first.  Then this..."  Before you know it, the entire self has been given to God.  Before you realize it, God has molded your entire being.  There are targeted parts of my life that I am giving to God, and it's almost as though I can't really move on to the next part until I started with the other first.  Domino effect.

How we work together is a mystery.  I'm clearly all "external life" things, and He's molding parts of me on the "internal/spiritual" level.

It's rather exciting how this is all panning out.  The part that sucks is when He makes me hold a position when I feel uncomfortable and to a point of pain.  Time seems to slow down, but just as my body will learn to build muscle off these certain exercises, my personality learns to build the virtues of His Spiritual exercises.

I plan to keep going with my physical workout.  I'm going to move forward with the future plans I'm praying about - targeted yet holistic.  He's going to continue to pound me to the ground and remake my Spirit.  Everyone needs pruning in life, and this darn exercise - as painful and slow it seems to be - will be what gets me where I really want to be.  He knows how to work me best.  I trust Him just as I do a licensed barre instructor.

Hold, one - two - three.......

longing

Mother sent me an email with this quote: "Every human longs for peace and love" ~ Hiawatha

Quoted from a pre-historical Native American leader, this simple sentence speaks volumes.

In faith, we know a few things.  1) Peace is found in Christ. 2) God is love. That said...dun dun duuunnnn...if every human longs for peace and love, every human longs for God.  The challenge we face today is that not everyone realizes it yet, so that's our job to help make them aware of the source of that deep desire. Let's bring Christ to every human in the subtle actions of our lives. 

Be a missionary daily.  Smile often, love generously, and share the light of Christ that you hold in your heart.

Counting seconds, minutes, hours in a day

My goal in 2014 was to not let time pass me by so quickly.  I wanted to be more "present" in the moment and enjoy every second that this year would give me.

Tick Tock Tick Tock.

I feel like Anna from "Frozen" just watching the clock hands move.

This wasn't always the case though.  My 2014 actually started off full speed.  Once January hit, I was preparing for my friends' wedding in Costa Rica in February.  By preparing, I mean working out to be Costa Rica ready lol - hello, what were you thinking?  In March, my two other friends got married and our group of friends were busy prepping for the big day.  Yes, we are your local wedding service team - ready when you call on us!  I can't even remember what happened in April and May except bachelorette party, bachelorette party, wedding, rest weekend, ordination, then another wedding.  Somewhere in between I still worked.  On top of that, my service for SFC was never-ending.  First quarter, we planned a full schedule of trainings, service workshops, and more trainings.  It was CLP season, so we couldn't miss a beat.  Speaking of season - it was SFC Conference season, and being overall ACC wasn't the easiest of responsibilities.

No way in HECK am I posting my first six months of 2014 to brag.  I'm reflecting on the past year because God allowed me to be so busy, so then I could appreciate the lull I'm going through right now.  In more cases than this, people will find themselves burnt out.  Let's not get into the fact that I strongly dislike that term...I'll save it for another post.  I may have already done one in the past, so maybe I'll just "re-blog".  Jesus was and is with me the entire time.  You can't burn out when you're running on faith fuel.  Granted, I need some good resting time to reflect.  I needed my year to slow down.  He surprised me with something to fill in my quiet time, but now it's back to being busy.  I don't know if I'm looking forward to it or dreading it.  I haven't been to LAX since June, and it's weirding me out!  To be honest, I really felt like I was going through withdrawals knowing I had no plane ticket on hand.  After a few weeks I got over it, thinking of the money I could save.  Well, I ended up buying two tickets for a trip to Chicago and Dallas in October, so #savingmoneyfail.  I'm out of LA most of that month, I have Pro-Life trainings all of November, and December is always a wash.  Now that I have something to look forward to, 2015 will be here in a blink of an eye.  

So July, August, and September - you are a good quarter this year.  I have enjoyed the slow paced events that have occurred over the past month.  I learned to be available and just go with a non-scheduled flow.  It's dangerous because you can fall into the trap of just being plain lazy.  I think God knows to keep me somewhat busy because He's got some service lined up for me before the end of the year.  I'm looking forward to it...but can we wait until September to plan, please? :)

August, you are halfway done.  I can't believe next weekend is the near end of Summer, as Labor Day is around the corner.  Need to squeeze in that white skirt one more time before it's too late.

I'll take the next month or so for more discerning and journeying.  What 2015 brings - who knows.  I can't even think about that yet.  I look forward to tomorrow, starting in a brand new office space.  Change is good.  It takes time to adjust, but I don't know why people don't like it.  (Says the woman who doesn't want to change a certain something in life due to complacency.)

Ok that's a whoooooole other entry.

Until then, good night world.

Sleep well and see you when the morning comes.