Saturday, August 30, 2014

put it on repeat

The past few days, I've been going through old blogs, old emails, and even older journals.  I miss the days of the day to day capture of my life.  I really took a lot of time and Xanga'd a lot - but that was before Facebook made it easy to just update what you were thinking and doing at that moment.  Give it to me in one sentence, and I'll assume I understand the rest of your day.  Quick and easy - but no depth.  However, going through my journals - even in my own private books - I was always very vague.  I still am very vague.  I wonder if it's because I'm afraid to re-read what I've actually gone through, or maybe I'm embarrassed to have someone read it some day and figure out what REALLY went through my mind.  Possibly, I keep it vague so I can apply life lessons to everything in life even later on.  That keeps the lessons open ended and relatable for many situations in life.  Who knows.

Well, let's get specific for once.  Ever since 2009 I've been praying about discipline, moving, and being patient to be open for "him".  Hmmm...that makes me think that I haven't done anything in the past five years, but at the same time I realized how much my life has changed yet those lessons are still basic.  Foundation for the future.  I read "Maricris, be the best version of yourself and you will cross paths with the right one at the exact moment you need to."  This was five years ago and I've come and gone through many people down that path.  Makes me wonder, what I was preparing for.

Maybe I've met "him"...maybe I haven't.  Either way, as I read in my entries - God's timing is perfect and I have to bank on that.  My Multiply blogs were more fruitful than my journals.  I don't even know if I had an audience, but I miss writing.  I was more creative in thought, I was wittier in tongue.  The pen seemed to strike easily, but now my complicated thought process has slowed down those juices.  I clogged up my brain with too many caution signs that I'm afraid to write fully.

I need to find that honesty in myself again.  I need to stop acting like I'm always okay and that I'm learning from my past experiences.  Just because I'm not okay doesn't mean I haven't learned the lesson before.  It just means I am human, and the natural reaction is to feel whatever it is I feel.

I can be "mature" and handle things well, but that doesn't mean I have to be super happy about it.  I can be left confused even if I understand.  Bummed even if I'm happy at His greater plan.  Excited even if my heart is too shy to escape the tin box it's been cooped up in all these years.

Well we'll see how these feelings and emotions play out, but I do need to process them properly.  Figure out what you really feel in life and that is the first step for honesty.  That is how you grow to be the best version of yourself.  You need to know and understand YOU before you start developing anything.  Like any programmer, you need to have set goals for a product so you know what you are developing.  Wait, am I describing a job of a developer?  Well they work hand in hand ha - so wear both hats because you can only develop you.

Five years from now, I will read this blog and something will still be the same.  Either I will still need discipline, I will still be discerning if I should leave LA, or I will still be grateful to know that all things come in God's perfect time.

Cheers to the next five years!

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