the dream

I met with multiple people at the new j.o.b. over the course of the week and one gal said, "I mean this is my dream job."  She said that, and it reminded me that someone asked me that too when I told them where I was going.  "Oh my gosh, that's the dream right?!  It's totally what you've been wanting to do."

Quick answer: Yes.

That is true, but why the apprehensive attitude?  Is it because I dreamed that the next big thing in my life would be something a bit greater than a new job?  But I understand that this isn't just a job.  It's a calling, it's a mission.  Is it because I realized how much I didn't want to leave Los Angeles?  But this mission calls for sacrifice, and that means letting go all I have for the greater good.

I feel all the feels.  I know logic vs heart vs faith etc etc etc.  At the end of it all, God wins and takes reign of my wants and needs.  I pray to slowly (because I'm human, I can't do it overnight) release all my desires to Him, so He can fill me up with the right things in life I'm to long for.

My heart desires to fulfill another mission.  My heart desires to be surrounded by the people I've left behind.  My heart desires to love beyond capacity, and surrender to God and live out the plan He has for me.  I guess at this time, I can't have everything that I want and I need to be okay with that.

Lord, if this is what you've handpicked me to do, then amen.  As I prayed today at mass, I know you'll take care of everything else I worry about.  Just continue to live out the YES I've already started.

So what is the dream?  The dream is to be in heaven and to bring everyone I know and love with me.  This job helps make that dream come true.  "Go live your dream" is written on the boat, and I pray I can accept that and live it out.

the road home

"Home is where the heart is." - as the saying goes.  My girlfriends asked me today, "Where will you say you're from when people ask?"

Funny question because for years I would always answer that with "I live in LA, but I'm from Chicago".  Now, do I say "I'm from LA but originally Chicago" or "I live in Cincinnati but I'm from LA"?  Do people care where I'm from "originally"?  Well let's see when the time comes.  All I know is that when I went out on Friday night, I told my brother to tell his friends that I came in from LA.  I wasn't ready to explain the whole Ohio bit yet (sorry, Cincy friends).  I hope you understand that this will take some time.

I was born and raised in Naperville (Chicago suburb) but I say I grew up in Los Angeles.  This is the city that molded me and helped me "mature".  Now to some people, that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good thing, especially if you think I've gotten too "kale life" or "Miss Hollywood".  However you analyze it doesn't really matter to me.  All I know is that I really learned about myself and grew up...ish...in SoCal.

So today, I wrapped up my Labor Day weekend in Chicago.  I normally pack up and get dropped off at Midway for my flight back to LA, but this time I packed my trunk and drove off to Ohio.  It was a strange feeling knowing that I wasn't going back to California.  It really hasn't hit me yet that I won't be seeing some of my friends for a while.  The past few weeks have just felt like I was on vacation and not really in a transition into a new life.

I don't have a lesson to be learned (yet) with all of this.  I'm just taking it in and going about my day one step at a time.  I also just wanted to share my feelings because I know people keep asking how I'm adjusting.  The quick answer is that I don't feel like I've moved yet, so there really hasn't been much to adjust to.

It takes a lot for me to call a place "home".  Maybe I'll accept Cincinnati as that sooner than I did LA.  It wasn't until recently that I admitted LA was home.  My pride still referred to Chicago/Naperville as my home, but I recently realized my heart has moved to another city.  Not completely, but it split apart and now lies in Los Angeles as well.  I'm sure my heart will love Ohio eventually, but for now it's still on vacation mode.

a letter to my kite

I've had this desire to fly a kite for a long time.  This led me to buying one, but for whatever reason I kept it hidden in my closet for years.  I knew it was there, and I kept telling myself to go to the park to fly it, but I just never put it in my car.  Numerous times I found myself at the park or beach saying, "Ugh, I wish I brought my kite!"  I don't know what I was waiting for...I guess the right moment.

Well it wasn't until I cleaned out my apartment and found the kite, that I remembered to bring it to my very last beach day for the summer (as a SoCal gal).  I was so hyped up to fly it, assembled it, and started to run to let it fly in the wind.  Run run run....tired.  No kite flying in the air.  What the heck?!!?  What was I doing wrong?

Well I gave up and figured I got a dud.  I mean, it's not hard to fly a kite - so what was my deal?  I just blamed it on the kite.

For whatever reason, a friend of mine was looking at it randomly and then I felt a tug on the string I was holding.  It started to fly!!!  I asked what he did and he replied, "It was on backwards."  So basically I did it wrong.  I had every intention of doing it the right way, but I guess in my excitement I didn't pay close enough attention and thought I assembled it correctly.  I didn't realize I'm the one that messed it up (not the kite I blamed, ha!) but thank goodness someone made it right.  Once that was done, I was flying it and a happy kid.

So dear kite,

I'm sorry I waited until the end to fly you.  I'm sorry I just cherished you from within my closet - where your potential was just stored.  You were too pretty for me to fly...plus I kept forgetting you were there.  I can't blame you that you didn't want to fly for me once I was actually ready to.  But Someone corrects our wrongs, and once things were fixed, we had a great time.  A time so grand, it will be a memory I will look back to when I want to feel that giddiness again.  It's an innocent joy that has a deep meaning for me because flying kites is something I really love to do.  I just don't do it enough...not sure why.  I guess that makes our time together, no matter how short, that much more special.  People kept wanting to fly you, so I shared.  They knew it belonged to me and made sure to not let go of it and lose it in the wind.  I would always get you back in one piece, no matter how windblown.

Thank you, kite.  I have you here with me so it's just a matter of the right time of finding a place for us again.

Love,
me

spiritually crazy

Confused and feeling empty one second.  Clarity and fulfilled the next day.

What happened and how did I get here?  Well I know for sure the power of not only my prayer but those who have been praying with and for me has totally worked.  I don't know why people don't pray more, but I digress.

So I was trying to explain how I felt to someone by saying, "I feel like I'm just throwing up air - dry heaving if you will."  But this wasn't a physical act, as I could only use this to describe what I was doing spiritually.  Every day I was telling God, "I'm letting go.  I'm letting go.  I'm letting go.  I don't even know what I'm giving You anymore.  But whatever it is I still have within me, just take it."  I wanted to feel like I was relinquishing everything I had in my power so as to allow God to take complete hold of the wheel.  That's a tough thing to do when you feel as though you've already given Him everything.  So all this "giving" left me feeling "empty".  But I didn't feel depressed or without God.  It was a different kind of "empty" I've never experienced before.  I wasn't truly at peace, but I wasn't feeling in despair.  I just wasn't "feeling".  It's not a spiritual dryness.  I know what that feels like.  This feeling was foreign territory to me though.

Anyway, I was at a point of confusion wondering what my next step was, when I was reminded of a story I once read,

When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at "the house of the dying" in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, "And what can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.

"What do you want me to pray for?" she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I have clarity."She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God." (story shared by Brennan Manning)

So my next step was to pray for trust in God.  I mean I was already taking steps in the direction, but I needed to continue to pray for that and listen carefully as to what to DO.

Well today, God finally answered me.  The answer was to not DO anything.

WHAT?!!  Crazy right??!  Don't do anything!??  It's because the answer was deeper than that.  So today I went to mass, and for some reason I was pretty emotional during the consecration.  I don't know if it was where I was sitting, but the crucifix behind the altar was just more prominent in my vision/mind and all I thought of and felt was LOVE.  As unworthy and small as I felt at that moment, God simply told me He loved me sO much that He died for me so I can have eternal life with Him.  This isn't mind blowing news, people.  I know God loves me so much, even unto death.  However, today was different.  That's the part I can't explain but just KNOW.  In faith, God told me how much He loved me.  So much that He has only the best plans for me and I should trust that.

Then I understood and said, "Yes, Lord, I trust in You."  That was it.  He didn't have a next step for me.  He just allowed me to be overwhelmed with how much He loves me, leading me to remember that I am His daughter and He will take care of me in every aspect of my life.

I left mass saying, "Lord, I'm ready."

Those are crazy words that I fear to say, but because He loves me so much...that love drove out fear.  I'm so glad I spiritually purged myself of my own craziness in order to make room for God to fill me with His love.  I guess all that terrible dry heaving and emptiness was worth it, as it is a blessing to be filled and feel what I felt today.  I didn't find clarity as to what to do next, but I felt clarity in understanding what was going on in my heart (if that makes any sense).

Perfect love drives out all fear.  Now I'm just filled and overflowing with love for you.  Amen.

hard hearts

I had a Sundate with Jesus this morning.  The first message I received was, "If today you hear God's voice, harden not your hearts."  The first time this verse really struck and stuck with me was back in 2012, during the Intimacy Weekend Retreat I served.  Since then, I've tried my best to really be sensitive to His voice and not just choose my own desires over His overall plan.  All this "obedience" led me to asking Him, "What's it all for?"

Don't get me wrong, I can already hear the voices of the many friends and family that will tell me, "Maricris, God has great plans.  We just have to trust in Him."

I love you all, and I get it.  But in my humanity I couldn't help but ask Him that.  All the things we do to live a righteous, holy life.  All the things we do to keep our hearts guarded for God's love alone.  It's a formula for a life of true happiness.  I know that.  I understand that.  But sometimes, I can't help but stop and wonder what MORE He has planned for me.  Yes, I will of course dwell in His presence and wait patiently.  I will continue to live my life pleasing to Him.  I will continue to work hard in my prayer time, service, work, and love for everyone around me.  I will continue to keep my heart open despite these moments when I want to just take control of situations in life.  I will continue to listen for His voice.

But is it okay that sometimes I just ask, "Lord...what's this for?"

MORE

Some may say it was only a pre-conference, but yesterday's SFC event left a darn good imprint in my heart.  I left the venue feeling refreshed, as if I had just experienced a weekend retreat.  From the preparation, to the activities, to the talk, and all the competitions...it all lead us to know and understand God's love for us in a deeper way.  Mass was clutch.  I had a heart filled with joy throughout mass, and I was smiling and slightly tearing as I approached Him in the sacrament of the Eucharist.  I felt overwhelmed with joy and peace.  I prayed, "Lord, I am open to Your love."

And His love soon came pouring down on me about three minutes after I left mass.  It's not in the way one would picture an outpouring of love.  It wasn't in rainbows and butterflies.  It wasn't even in cute babies or puppies.  Nope...His love came down on me through a call for more work.  There is truly no rest for the weary.  A retreat "high" so short lived...I think it made history.  At least in my heart.

Really, Lord?  More?  I was just trying to enjoy the moment and Your Love.

And He replied, "Yes.  Love More."

I could go on and describe the next twenty four hours of my life but let me spare you the details of this emotional roller coaster.  Instead let me share my "pause" moment.  A "pause" moment, as defined by me, is that time where God tells me to shhhhhh.....be quiet.

It happened this afternoon at School on Wheels.  I volunteer to tutor homeless children once a month.  Summer is here, so the number of kids was a lot less than I am used to, and there were more volunteers there than I've ever seen before (which is good!).  Anyway, that said, I was able to just hang out and give attention to just one student (instead of the three or four we usually get at one time).  The situation today was that she wasn't feeling well.  I'm convinced she caught the flu, so her energy level was pretty low.  She wanted to color, try a crossword puzzle, and play games with me, so there was enough in her to make some effort in enjoying the afternoon.  At one point, we were reading, and I knew I just lost her attention.  I didn't want to feel like I was wasting my time, so I asked her, "Is there something else you wanted to do?"  She replied "No, you can just read to me."  I was hesitant because it didn't seem like she really cared for the story, but I continued the book we were reading anyway.

I don't know her "story".  I don't know her background.  All I know is that this girl was not feeling well, and I'm sure she just wanted to go home....but what does she call home?  These families are in temporary shelters, hotel/motels, or living out of their cars.  My heart aches thinking that she can't go "home" and crawl into the comfort of her own bed.  I don't know where she is sleeping tonight.

I was so pre-occupied in my mind with the million things I had to do...I didn't take enough time to stop and think of what this girl really needed.  At the moment, she just wanted someone to sit and read to her.  She just needed comfort.

And this is when God said "pause".

I paused.  I smiled at the girl to help her feel comfortable.  I read and she listened.

In my busy-ness, I forget HOW to Love More.  I've been too worried about making sure everyone knows about the theme of all of our conferences this year, that it has blinded me to actually DO.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with your love through service.  Thank you, Lord, for teaching me how to love a little more today.  In all that we do, may it be for Your glory.

Amen.

CPRW

Christian Personal Relationships Weekend:  The retreat consisted of friends, food (BACON.), and lots of laughing.

We were there to learn, and the results were off the charts.  It's been a while since I've heard speakers get quoted or referenced after their talk.  Thank you.

*Disclaimer: no spoilers in this post.  Most things I got were taken from the speaker's sharing, so it'll be different the next retreat.  If it didn't come from them, it was just my own simple reflection.  You can apply it to any CFC SFC talk lol*

- I learned, "Don't take a picture of your food.  Just eat it."  Just kidding, I was reminded that technology can be useful but when overused, it can harm relationships.  My phone didn't go off all weekend.  Not because everyone I talk to was with me but because we had no service in the woods.  God is good, and the point was made.  Relationships were deepened.
- How far does God's love in you reach to others:  Friends?  Family?  What about strangers?  I keep asking people what their takeaway was, and this was one that stuck to me the most.  Does God's love run so deep within me that I allow the ripple affect reach to the third core: strangers?  Not as often as I probably could/should.  There's a safety factor and there's just a factor that sometimes I don't feel like speaking to strangers.  WWJD....?  Not be lazy or a snob!
- CARE-rection is the best kind of correction.  Don't be passive aggressive, people.  Just give it to me straight.  I most def left that talk with a list of people to talk to.  Kidding.
- THINK before you speak.  Is it Truthful?  Will it Help the situation?  Does it Inspire?  Is it Necessary?  Is it Kind?
- Loving with a wounded heart.  BOOM.  We all get hurt, we all have moved on.  But HOW have we loved with those wounds?  It was time to take out that bitterness and live in peace.
- Send off.  Love the world.  Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.

I could share more and get mad deep, but I'll let you experience it for yourself some day :)

These words won't make me a better person if I just know about it.  I need to get off my ass and do something with it.  Why spend an entire weekend in the woods where there is no cell or internet service, bugs were trying to just devour you, and you get little rest....if you don't live to tell the tale?  YODO.  You only DIE once, but you get to live every day.  (Thanks, Jenn!)

Make it count.